Toilets

Having rented apartments ever since college, I've never given much thought to the toilets with which I've been provided. As long as they've flushed away what they've been expected to, pretty much the only attention I've given them is to clean them.

Then, I became a home owner -- and everything changed. 

My new condo came with a gorgeous bathroom. Blond and tan stone surrounded the shower, walls and floors. The ubiquitous black granite encased the sink and counter top.  

And there it was -- a commercial-style pneumatic toilet. It's one of those that makes a huge racket when flushed, but boy, you could toss a ham down there and it would handle it.  

Being a new home owner, I was excited to have one of these. No more tanks; no more stoppage-with-overflows. I was set to go (literally).

However, it turned out to be a low-flow version. Upon flushing it, the racket would ensue but very little water would gurgle down. I tested it with a wad of toilet paper and it was very disappointing. It took more than two flushes and even then, toilet paper remains appeared in the backwash. 

I needn't go into details. Let's just say that healthy digestion resulted in -- well, I won't go into details. Let's just say I was struck with a good dose of buyer's remorse. Was I to live like this forever?

I recall that when I had this property inspected, the inspector seemed thrilled over the bathroom. He even referred to this toilet as a "puppy flusher". 

Was I missing something? As far as I could tell, this thing couldn't even handle a pudding-cup. 

Finally, I discovered the secret! You have to steadily toggle the handle about once every second. The low-flow, indeed, then becomes a puppy-flusher after about three pumps. 

I felt so relieved! -- just like Helen Keller at the water pump. As my 'puppy' flushed away, I could feel the hand of Anne Sullivan on my forehead, nodding it up and down, "Yesss! Yesss!"

I had unlocked the secret. A whole new world was now revealed to me. No longer would I live in darkness. To quote Helen Keller, "This was the key which would unlock the world for me."

My home, indeed, has a puppy-flusher.