Macho TV

I watch a lot of “Geek TV”, that is, the Science Channel, Discovery Channel, Weather Channel, History Channel. Any program having to do with UFOs, space exploration, Bigfoot, or strange people, I’m there.

If they had a “Theoretical Astrobiology Channel”, I’d be in heaven.

But what is with the influx of these super-macho programs these days? All of a sudden, there are all these programs with these blue-collar type of guys on the job who yell at each other a lot. They make me awfully uncomfortable.

Here’s a run-down of a few:

Deadliest Catch is about crab fishermen in Alaska. Apparently, you can make a lot of money by risking your life on a crab boat. These guys go out in a boat off the coast of Alaska when it’s 90 zillion degrees below zero with nine-hundred mph winds and pick up cages full of crabs. For some strange reason, it’s always at night. Apparently, crabs sleep all day and can’t be bothered to hop into a crab cage unless it’s pitch dark outside.

The highlight of each episode is when someone gets smashed by a crab cage. Someone always gets smashed by a crab cage. A real highlight is when someone gets washed overboard and devoured by thousands of angry crabs.

After these guys work a 236-hour shift, they all go below deck and yell at each other about how each of them almost caused the other to get smashed by a crab cage.

I have an idea: Let’s all give up eating crab so these guys can calm down and get a safe job on land.

Ice Road Truckers is about these truck drivers who drive 18-wheelers across twenty-thousand miles of frozen lakes in Canada. And it's always during a blizzard or right when the lakes are thawing out.

Here's a hint to these truckers: Don't drive on ice. It's dangerous.

When they get to their destinations, they yell at each other a lot. Sometimes, they can’t even wait for that and so they yell at each other over the radio.

Oil, Sweat and Rigs are about a bunch of guys working on offshore oil rigs. Just like the crab guys, they often come close to getting smashed by heavy equipment or swept overboard. Most of these guys are heavily muscled, go shirtless and get slicked down with lots of oil. (And that's during their time off - ha!) Then they yell at each other a lot, too. If that appeals to you, then this show’s for you.

Tougher in Alaska is hosted by a really gruff guy named Geo Beach who seems to be really enthralled with life in the rugged North. Each episode finds him meddling in the work-a-day world of outdoor Alaska. I’m sure he’ll be on a crab boat soon, yelling at everyone.

I think everyone in Alaska should just move to Seattle and settle down. Then these truckers wouldn’t have to deliver anything up there and Geo Beach can just shut the hell up.

Ax Men features a group of loggers who, you guessed it, yell at each other a lot when they almost cause the other to get smashed by a falling tree.

See? There’s just this huge proliferation of tough-guy stuff on TV these days. I really wish my Geek Channels would cancel a few of these shows or just make a whole new network called The Macho Channel.

After all, I need to keep up with real life and the latest news about Bigfoot.