Wednesday, July 30, 2008

The Employee Refrigerator

I just received the following “All Staff” email at work. It's in huge, bold, capital letters:


There’s probably no other place that produces more contention in the workplace than the refrigerator in the office break room.

There are about fifty employees where I work and we have a rather nice break room complete with the ubiquitous water-cooler, a decent coffee service, herbal teas, an ice machine, a dishwasher and a big refrigerator.

I did not accidentally take the Lean Cuisine that caused the Major Lunch Theft Alert.

I, on the other hand, will frequently obtain lunch from the Overpriced Food Court in the lobby, eat half of it, put the other half in the fridge for later and never think about it again.

I’m not the only one, either. That fridge is always crammed full of leftovers. Fifty employees can’t possibly squirrel away that much food. There are probably Pterodactyl Lean Cuisines left by a previous employee named “Ogg” in there.

Occasionally, the receptionist will send out an “All Staff” email saying that the fridge will be cleaned out at 3 pm and if we have anything in there to take it out. Otherwise, it will be thrown away.

By that time, the fridge has begun to smell like Gary Indiana on a summer day.

Many years ago when I worked at a bank, I’d often bring my lunch and eat it in the TV room with 30 women watching All My Children. This was back in the day when Devon McFaddin thought she was an alcoholic, then she thought she was a lesbian, then she thought she was insane. God, she was a mess. I loved it. Then Jenny of Jenny-and-Greg got blown up on the lake. Those were the good-'ol days of All My Children.

Anyway, someone stole my lunch about three days in a row. Maybe this person really liked my lunches, but to steal someone’s lunch was unconscionable.

I was mad. I wanted to get even.

I thought about making a ham salad sandwich and mix dog poo in it, but I just couldn’t go that far. I wanted to make a point, not send someone to the emergency room.

So, I made a ham salad sandwich and mixed in tons of cayenne pepper. I think I put an entire can of it in there.

Sure enough, my lunch was taken. Sadly, I was never able to find out who took it, but it did put an end to the mysterious pilfering.

I just received another “All Staff” email from the same employee. Apparently, we can call off the Major Lunch Theft Alert. The Lean Cuisine was located after all.

And no, I was not the employee that misplaced the Lean Cuisine.

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At 2:48 PM , Blogger Lorraine said...

First of all, you're correct. Those were the days of AMC. Second, that cayenne ham salad thing was frakking brilliant.

At 11:29 PM , Blogger Miss Healthypants said...

Yeah, I love the cayenne ham salad thing, too. I would have loved to see the thief's face when he/she bit into that sandwich! *grin*

At 8:37 AM , Blogger Barb said...

A while back I worked at a LARGE law firm and the lawyers would never be caught dead bringing their own lunch but they thought nothing of taking the lunches of the secretaries till one of them put in chocolate chip cookies made with ex lax!

At 8:39 AM , Blogger Barb said...

PS. you know Jenny didn't really die ~ she just wanted to get away from Greg! She's now married to the head of an Army base and looking good!


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