The Employee Refrigerator

I just received the following “All Staff” email at work. It's in huge, bold, capital letters:

SOMEONE TOOK MY LEAN CUISINE FROM THE FRIDGE THIS MORNING!!!!! IF YOU DID THIS BY MISTAKE, PLEASE RETURN IT IMMEDIATELY!!!!!!

There’s probably no other place that produces more contention in the workplace than the refrigerator in the office break room.

There are about fifty employees where I work and we have a rather nice break room complete with the ubiquitous water-cooler, a decent coffee service, herbal teas, an ice machine, a dishwasher and a big refrigerator.

I did not accidentally take the Lean Cuisine that caused the Major Lunch Theft Alert.

I, on the other hand, will frequently obtain lunch from the Overpriced Food Court in the lobby, eat half of it, put the other half in the fridge for later and never think about it again.

I’m not the only one, either. That fridge is always crammed full of leftovers. Fifty employees can’t possibly squirrel away that much food. There are probably Pterodactyl Lean Cuisines left by a previous employee named “Ogg” in there.

Occasionally, the receptionist will send out an “All Staff” email saying that the fridge will be cleaned out at 3 pm and if we have anything in there to take it out. Otherwise, it will be thrown away.

By that time, the fridge has begun to smell like Gary Indiana on a summer day.

Many years ago when I worked at a bank, I’d often bring my lunch and eat it in the TV room with 30 women watching All My Children. This was back in the day when Devon McFaddin thought she was an alcoholic, then she thought she was a lesbian, then she thought she was insane. God, she was a mess. I loved it. Then Jenny of Jenny-and-Greg got blown up on the lake. Those were the good-'ol days of All My Children.

Anyway, someone stole my lunch about three days in a row. Maybe this person really liked my lunches, but to steal someone’s lunch was unconscionable.

I was mad. I wanted to get even.

I thought about making a ham salad sandwich and mix dog poo in it, but I just couldn’t go that far. I wanted to make a point, not send someone to the emergency room.

So, I made a ham salad sandwich and mixed in tons of cayenne pepper. I think I put an entire can of it in there.

Sure enough, my lunch was taken. Sadly, I was never able to find out who took it, but it did put an end to the mysterious pilfering.

I just received another “All Staff” email from the same employee. Apparently, we can call off the Major Lunch Theft Alert. The Lean Cuisine was located after all.

And no, I was not the employee that misplaced the Lean Cuisine.