Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Eliot Spitzer

Sorry, folks, but I couldn't help writing this:

Eliot Spitzer Rushed into Emergency Treatment

New York -- Governor Eliot Spitzer was hospitalized today following a news briefing and is apparently undergoing emergency treatment to repair injuries sustained while making yesterday’s announcement in which he admitted to having links with a prostitution ring.

“I have acted in a way that violates my obligation to my family and violates my or any sense of right or wrong,” he said with his wife, Silda, at his side.

"I apologize first and most importantly to my family. I apologize to the public to whom I promised better. I have disappointed and failed to live up to the standard I expected of myself. I must now dedicate some time to regain the trust of my family."

According to Dr. Sheldon Rosenthal, chief of emergency surgery at St. Vincent’s Medical Center in Manhattan, “What the cameras didn’t show was that while Gov. Spitzer was making that announcement, his wife, Silda, had his genitals painfully bound in a deathlike-grip with her left hand.”

Dr. Rosenthal continued. “As he proceeded to apologize and mention his family, her vice-like clasp became increasingly more acute. The excruciating pain was quite evident on Spitzer’s face.”

Rosenthal winced and continued to explain: “When he said he needed to dedicate time to regain the trust of his family, her death-clutch suddenly increased, thus resulting in the rupture of his testicles, scrotum, and mutilation of the penile shaft.”

Various reports indicated that the governor refused treatment for most of the next day until the pain became intolerable and infection began to set in.

According to Rosenthal, “Treatment will require a complete reconstruction of the governor’s genital area including a partial phalloplasty, prosthetic testicle implants, and reconstruction of the urethra and most of the vas deferens.”
"It's amazing to me that she was able to apply that much pressure while never changing her facial expression. My estimate is that the governor's genitals were subjected to pressures of at least 1,400 pounds per square inch during his speech."

“His private parts will be out of commission for at least the next eighteen months and will require extensive therapy and treatment. After what Silda Spitzer accomplished during the announcement, there’s a good chance he may never regain the use of his genitals ever again.”

Rosenthal concluded, “Frankly, I wouldn’t have wished these types of injuries on my worst enemy.”
According to Rosenthal, the cost of Gov. Spitzer's treatment is estimated at eighty thousand dollars.

Labels: ,


At 2:18 PM , Blogger dirtyword.net said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 4:20 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Why you aren't writing for The Onion escapes me.

At 5:14 PM , Blogger Unknown said...


THIS was your FUNNIEST YET, Jon!


At 12:11 AM , Blogger Kimberly Ann said...

Yes, you really should be working for the Onion. Oh, and Silda Spitzer is fun to say three times fast.

At 11:58 AM , Blogger Lorraine said...

Oh, crap...I have to get a new keyboard.

At 11:59 AM , Blogger Br. Jonathan said...

JP and KA: Unfortunately, The Onion doesn't accept any unsolicited articles and they have a full staff of writers in New York.

At 6:34 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...



Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home