Friday, March 03, 2006

Area Family Combines Wedding Reception with Intervention

What began as a lavish nuptial event, Heather Anderson's wedding reception quickly veered into a substance abuse intervention that included four hundred of the bride's closest friends and family.

"Heather and Dave, we love you," toasted the best man, Kyle Weatherly. "But Heather, when you offered my grandfather a lap dance last week, I was so scared for you. We all love you and on your special day, we want you to get the help you need."

As he sat down, the bride appeared dumbfounded with tears welling in her eyes. As if on cue, her mother, June Bixby rose to speak.

"Heather darling. . . ." At that point, Bixby lowered her head and shuddered as her husband gently rubbed her forearm and whispered, "It's okay, pet. It's okay." She regained her composure and continued. "Baby, I know this is the day you've dreamed of since you were twelve, but I didn't know what else to do. After you ran over Coco's puppies and got your second DUI I've been so afraid we'd lose you, darling! Please take the help that we're offering today!"

Heather's new husband, Dave, quietly began. "Heather, I love you more than life itself. But when you pawned my first two engagement rings so that you could buy drugs, I knew you needed more help than I could give you. Please, baby, please take the help that we're offering you today. "

For the next two hours, dozens of friends and family members expressed their love and concern for the bride while the band members and wait staff stood silently along walls of the reception hall.

Heather began wailing as her father began to speak. "Heather, I know I promised you and Dave a honeymoon on the French Riviera and it's still on the table but only if you complete treatment first. The limo is outside and waiting to take you to Serenity Hills Treatment Center. Heather, will you take the help that's available?"

As the bride nodded and choked back a tearful, "Yes, Daddy," cheers and applause broke out as she was whisked away to the awaiting limousine.

The wedding reception continued for the next four hours, complete with an open bar.

"I'm so glad she got the help she needed!" exclaimed an ecstatic bridesmaid, Juli Lewis as she downed the last of a banana marguerita. "Thank god that bitch is outta here!"


At 10:19 PM , Blogger Amy said...

Eh, yep. Damn.

I "did" pee a little.

At 11:03 AM , Blogger Allan said...

Fun! I never pee in front of my computer,however. Someone may be watching...


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