Wandering Minds

I went to Vespers and Mass after work yesterday. Such a good boy, right?

Before you think I’m all, like, holy or something, I have to tell you that my mind tends to wander during church. A lot.

Here were some of the things than ran through my mind while partaking in the Sacrifice of our Lord and Saviour:

While looking at the banks of pipes on the organ. “That one pipe reminds me of someone. Who could it be? Hmmmm. Oh yeah, it looks just like Sandy Dennis with her mouth open. . . .”

Right before the ‘peace be with you’ bit: “Good Lord, I’m gonna have to shake hands with all these people. Lord knows what they’ve been doing with their hands. And then I’m going to have to take the host in my germy hand and put it in my mouth. Why can’t they have us give the sign of peace after communion?”

While looking at the crucifix: “Did Jesus fart while he was on the cross? After all, he was god-made-man. And we fart. He was bound to have let a couple of ‘em rip. I mean, he was up there for a very long time.

‘Father, into your hands I commit my spirit.’ (Luke scribbles down ‘23:46’.)

Bbbbrrrppp!

‘Woman, behold your son.’ (John writes ‘19:26’)

Ffottt!

Noticing the guy in front of me has a cross on the back of his t-shirt with scripture references on it: “I’ll bet he bows down during the consecration.” (The priest raises the host and the guy does a deep bow.)
“Nailed it!”

Yesterday was the Feast of St. Joseph: “If the Church refers to Mary as the Mother of God, why don’t they refer to Joseph as the Foster-Father of God?”

So, no, I definitely didn’t get points for going to church yesterday.

And every time I go back, I know I’m going to be looking at that organ pipe that looks like Sandy Dennis.