These Kids Nowadays

I may be a fuddy-duddy, but I just don’t understand the craze with tattoos these days. I know a lot of people have them, and I’m all for freedom of expression and all that, blah, blah, blah.

But they’re permanent.

Permanent.

I really don’t think these young folks who are festooning themselves with tattoos really have that concept in their heads.

That tattoo of a purple eagle on your neck? How’s that going to look when you’re a 50 year old executive at a Chamber of Commerce fundraiser?

The red and yellow swirls that cover your forearms? What if Michelle Obama had gone that direction?

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with, say, getting a tasteful little flower on your hip if that’s your thing. But these young people who go overboard with tat after tat after tat – it’s simply a display of instant gratification and a lack of self control.

It's not like I wasn't once young, stupid and had a completely messed-up sense of self-control.

I was.

Take a look at this photo of me when I was 21 if you don't believe me. I had bleached my hair the color of a paper napkin and thought these yellow overalls were the bomb.

I was a stupid, multi-colored Q-Tip with huge brown eyes.

But it was temporary. (Thank God.) Oh, and the racquetball equipment? That belonged to my lesbian roommate, Eileen, who was also president of Helen Reddy's fan club. It was 1981. We were seniors in college. Good times. . .

I remember one guy who had just completed two months of in-patient treatment for substance abuse. Quite successfully, I might add. He was now very enthused with his recovery program. Fine and dandy.

But then, he got Narcotics Anonymous tattooed down the side of his neck in a big, black cursive script, thinking that would help him stay sober.

I wanted to remind him that his addiction was primarily due to lack of impulse control, but I didn’t. His tattoo was permanent.

Don’t even get me started on these ubiquitous tattoos that everyone gets. You know, the barbed wire around the bicep or the Chinese characters on the shoulder.

These guys think they’re getting the esoteric Chinese characters for “strength” and “spirit” emblazoned on their skin. In actuality, I’ll bet it means “sticky rice.”

If I was King of America, I would enact a law that imposed a six-month waiting period for any tattoo. You’d have to apply to get a “sticky rice” tattoo, wait six months, and then if you still wanted it, you could get it.

There would be a lot fewer tattoos and you know it.

Mark my words. In 20 years, the tattoo-removal industry will be a multi-billion dollar business.

I should buy some stock in it now. I’ll be insanely wealthy.

Thanks kids.