Work It

I hate working out. I really do.

I know I should get more exercise, especially now that I’m firmly implanted in middle age. I feel a lot better when I exercise. I really do want to look good and feel good and live a long, healthy life. I really do.

But working out hurts. And I don't like pain.

We’ve heard the saying, “No pain, No gain.” My mom who has been an athletic coach all my life is particularly fond of that saying. I love my mom like nobody else but you know how those coaches are.

But my philosophy has always been,

“No pain . . .

Hey . . . . no pain!”

I have this great membership at a very nice health club that couldn’t be more convenient for me to go to. It’s next door to my workplace and even connected by an underground walkway so you don’t even have to go outside to get there.

My workplace gets a discount there and then even pays for half of our memberships. My employer obviously wants us to be healthy. It’s practically a crime for me not to go there on a regular basis.

It even has a sushi bar inside.

But still, I haven’t been going.

No pain . .

. . . well, you know.

However, I am going to go today for one reason and one reason only.

I need my shoes shined.

You see, this health club is so nice that it has a shoe shining service. You just plop your shoes in the window by the dressing room and when you’re done with your workout, your shoes are waiting for you all nice and shiny.

I hate to shine shoes and I’m not very good at it either.

So, I’m going to work out today just so I can get my shoes shined.

Isn’t that just about the most pitiful thing ever?

I was on the phone with my friend, Jack, today and telling him about this. (Jack, by the way, works out all the time. He’s even running in the Chicago Marathon on Sunday.)

Here’s our conversation:

"So, how many times have you had your shoes shined?" he asked.

"Twice."

I really should work out.

Look at Anderson Cooper from CNN.

He’s always been this pasty, skinny news anchor but he’s been buffing up lately now that he’s middle aged. Someone snapped this photo of the Coopster working out yesterday. Could I be doing the same thing?
Just look at those guns. . .


My guess is he’s just dating someone way younger.

But see? He’s obviously in terrible pain and pain is what I try to avoid if at all possible.

I’ll bet his shoes are really shiny, though.

Mine could use a lot of shining right now.