I Had To Do It

I will be the first to admit that I love love LOVE Susan Boyle and everything she represents. I'll freely admit that I instantly got teary-eyed when she sang on Larry King last night.

So, of course, I had to satirize the phenomenon:

Boyle Quickly Takes To Celebrity Life
by Buckner Wheat

GLASGOW - Within days of becoming a worldwide sensation, Scottish singing contestant, Susan Boyle, appears to be embracing the life of a celebrity by emulating the notorious activities of Hollywood’s most famous.

While exiting a limousine to appear on Larry King Live, many spectators in the crowd were shocked by Boyle’s new look. Although the singer was still sporting the same dress she wore as a contestant, it soon became obvious that Hollywood had made a dramatic influence on her appearance.

“She wasn’t wearing panties,” reported Shannon Dwyer, a tourist from Peoria, Illinois. “I couldn’t believe it, but me and my friends all saw it plain as day.”

Ms. Dwyer’s grandmother, Clarice, was also one of the spectators to notice the difference:

“It’s such a shame -- that horrible Britney person has already corrupted such a beautiful soul!”

Upon returning to her native Scotland, the famous crooner was soon pulled over by police near a Glasgow nightclub for driving without a license.

“She was also heavily intoxicated and had sideswiped several other cars, but charges were not pressed,” reported chief constable, Caird MacFarquharson. “She’s such a sweet lass and she gave me her autograph besides.”

Upon leaving the police station, Boyle immediately sought out the nearest salon and demanded to have her head shaved.

“For goodness sake, that shaggy mop is her signature,” said salon owner, Fiona MacPherson. “There was no way I was going to let her do that.”

Meanwhile, a travel agency near Boyle’s home town of Blackburn reports that several airline tickets to Malawi and Namibia have recently been purchased by the singer.

“I think she’s planning to adopt as many orphans as possible,” reported Boyle’s newly-hired publicist, Adaira Ness. “I tried to tell her that there are plenty of children here in Scotland that need good homes, but for some reason she only wants the wee little African babies.”

Ness sighed and pensively gazed out the window for a moment.

“For the life of me, I don’t know where she gets these ideas or what‘s happening to my client. It’s really a bit deranged if you ask me.”

In other news, online retailers of costume eyebrows and wigs are reporting record sales due to thousands of drag queens frantically rushing to incorporate Boyle into their acts.