The Spa at Trump

As I’m sure you’re all aware by now, the Crunch Fitness in my building is closing down at the end of the month. I’ll now have to walk five whole blocks to another facility in order to use a treadmill.

But wait! There’s another option.

There was a notice in the lobby of my building. Apparently, all of us at Marina Towers get to have a free visit at “The Spa at Trump” which is at the new Trump International Hotel and Tower just a block away.

Isn’t that nice of Donald?

The building isn't even completed (see pic) but the Hotel and Spa are up and running.

Then, if you want to join, the member ship is a paltry two-thousand dollars and $190 a month.

But before you gasp at that price, look at what you get. . .

. . . For one thing, they offer these “Trump Signature Gemstone Treatments” which are massages with oils infused with diamonds, rubies, emeralds or sapphires. Apparently each of these precious gems balance a different “chakra”.

I think the Lebanese place around the corner serves chakras in pita breads. I don’t know why one would need them balanced by rubbing them with sapphires, but Donald is a pretty unique guy.

If your “root chakra” is out of whack or if your inner self needs uplifting, then be sure to request the Revitalizing Rubies Massage. Heaven forbid you request the ruby massage when your crown chakra is out of balance which, of course everybody knows, requires the Purifying Diamond Massage.

Better yet, you can have a pre-treatment consultation in which your specific “Dosha” will be identified. Specific oils will create a harmonious relationship between your three “Doshas”.

Or, (for men only) you can be massaged with white truffle oil. (I'll bet it's just Wesson)

Actually, this sounds like it's approaching “happy ending” territory . . .

Frankly, I don’t think I’d like anyone messing with my root chakra, thank you very much. And if anyone rubbed any kind of oil on me, (Eeeww!) I'd be running for the showers with a big bottle of Dawn.

As I was reading all this, I was thinking, “Oh my god. Who actually GOES for this . . . this. . . . bullshit???”

Are there actual people who think, "Hmmm. I think I need to go for the Revitalizing Ruby Massage rather than the Purifying Diamond Massage today."

Apparently, there are.
And that scares me.

I think I'll just keep my chakras with Crunch Fitness.



And, by the way, my Old Spice Body Wash from Walgreens actually smells pretty nifty, thank you very much.