Santorum Foiled by Marian Apparition (satire)

A published version of my article can be found at: http://www.pugbus.net/artman/publish/08202006_11_santorum.shtml


PHILADELPHIA­—Thousands of Roman Catholics from across the world have been flocking to the City of Brotherly Love in hopes of receiving healing miracles from the latest Virgin Mary apparition.

“It all began when Sen. Rick Santorum dropped off his stool sample to be tested for parasites,” reported Stephen Murphy, clinical director of Our Lady of the Resurrection Hospital. “The lab technician screamed and fainted when she retrieved it from the vial. Upon examination of the abnormally large stool, we immediately noticed definite characteristics of the Blessed Virgin.

Sen. Santorum, a devout Catholic notorious for his vehement opposition to gay rights and the teaching of evolution in public schools, is facing a difficult re-election to the U.S. senate in November.

Lab technician, Valencia Garcia, explains, “I knew I was in the presence of something holy the minute I saw it. I had just found out I was pregnant and there’s no way I can support a child on my salary, especially since the legislature cut our funding. Soon after I prayed to the sample, I began "spotting" and my next pregnancy test was negative. It’s a miracle that I was on duty to test Mr. Santorum’s sample!

The "Marian stool" as it has become known, was secured in cold storage but news of Garcia’s miracle quickly found its way to the press. Immediately, hordes of devout Catholics, many with unplanned pregnancies, began pilgrimages from across the world in hopes of receiving miracles from the senator’s feces.

When the blessed apparition began weeping tears of blood, Pope Benedict XVI appointed a council to scientifically authenticate the miraculous event.

“As with all purported manifestations of the Blessed Virgin, rigorous testing must be completed in order for the Vatican to proclaim them as authentic,” said Vatican spokesman, Fr. Antonio Renaldi.

An independent team of DNA specialists from the hospital was assigned to test the blood droplets emanating from the apparition. Meanwhile, thousands of anxious worshippers held a candlelight vigil outside the medical facility.

“Unfortunately, the results weren’t what the Vatican had hoped for,” reported Murphy. “The DNA from the blood matched that of the senator and the shape was evidently caused by extreme fecal impaction. There was no evidence of a supernatural cause.”

Murphy hesitated and continued: “Further testing revealed . . um . . . . semen from an unknown source as well as a recreational substance identified as ‘Elbow Grease Quickie-Lube.’ I hesitate to draw any definitive conclusions from this unfortunate evidence.”

Neither Vatican officials nor Santorum’s public relations office could be reached for comment.

© 2006 by Buckner Wheat