Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Vegan Hungarian Paprikas

Back in the 1990s, I was an actual monk in an actual monastery. (Cue the chorus of angel voices here.) Anyway, I taught myself to cook Hungarian food because most of the elderly monks came over from Hungary during the 1950s and I wanted to give them a taste of their homeland. (Also, I wanted to COOK – I was fine with the poverty, chastity, and obedience, but I missed cooking. Hungarian food was my ticket back into the kitchen.)

So, remembering the robust taste of Hungarian paprika, sour cream, and hearty peasant fare, I veganized “Hungarian Paprikas”. Hearty crimini mushrooms take the place of the chicken and I developed a nifty cashew sour cream. By the way, Hungarian food can be pretty spicy (“csípös”) so feel free to oomph up the cayenne pepper.

I’m really pleased with this dish. Not only will it make a Hungarian monk long for his homeland, (it’s THAT good) but we can enjoy it too.

Oh, and here’s a photo of me roller-blading in my habit. In retrospect, it’s not surprising I’m no longer a monk.


(Cashew sour cream: Soak 1 cup of raw cashews in boiling water for 30 min. Drain off water and blend cashews with ¼ cup water, 1 ½ tsp cider vinegar, 1 ½ tsp lemon juice, ¼ tsp salt.)

16 large crimini mushrooms, halved
1 bunch of green onions, thinly sliced
1 red bell pepper, cut into 1” chunks
3 Tbs Hungarian paprika
½ tsp smoked paprika
¼ tsp cayenne pepper
dash of sweetener if needed

½ recipe cashew sour cream
1 14 oz can tomato sauce
1 14 oz can diced tomatoes
Margarine and oil for frying. (I like Earth Balance)
Your choice of noodles. (Barilla veggie spirals are vegan)

Fry the crimini mushrooms face down in margarine until well-browned. Don’t turn them over; don’t touch them. It’s important that they get really brown on the cut side. After they’re brown on one side, they’re done. You’ll need to do this in two batches.

Add the onions and bell pepper and sauté until slightly tender. Add the spices along with a little oil for frying in order to let the paprika “bloom” which, apparently, is hugely important to Hungarians. Add the tomato sauce, diced tomatoes, and simmer on low for 20 minutes. Return the mushrooms to the sauce along with the sour cream and serve over pasta.


© 2015 by Jon Buckner Wheat. All rights reserved.

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Friday, September 11, 2015

Josh Duggar Christian Confession Resurrects Ashley Madison Site

The recent confession of repeated infidelity from American Family Association’s poster-boy, Josh Duggar, has not only resurrected the flailing Ashley Madison social networking service for those seeking extra-marital affairs, but has resulted in a huge surge of highly-paid memberships to the online dating service after the notorious hacking of its site.

“When our membership names were hacked and published, frankly, I thought we were done for,” reported Ashley Madison president and CEO, Noel Biderman, known as “the King of Infidelity” who had founded the website in 2001 as a means for married men to connect with women online with whom they could discreetly cheat on their spouses. “Our entire model depended on the secrecy of our subscribers’ identities. When our members’ personal identifications were revealed, I expected everything to come crashing down.”

“If it hadn’t been for Josh Duggar’s confession to owning two subscriptions, we’d be done for! Frankly, he turned out to be our best marketing agent.”

Apparently, millions of would-be, hesitant subscribers flooded the website with highly-paid subscriptions once Josh Duggar divulged his activities on the site.

“We’d had the reputation of posting fictitious female accounts on a regular basis in order to attract married men to our site. This reputation prevented many married men from availing themselves to our services. However, the moment Josh Duggar admitted that he’d actually hooked up with dozens of women from our site, millions of married men knew that our site was legitimate and that they’d be assured of freely committing adultery just like Josh Duggar did.

An anonymous subscriber listed as “Theodore Nugent,” completed an on-line evaluation noting, “Hey, if a loser like Josh Duggar can get laid on this site dozens of times, then you KNOW we all can. Pile on, dudes!”

Biderman stated: “Josh Duggar made the mistake of using his own company credit card furnished by Tony Perkin’s Family Research Council. Apparently, the FRC was so enamored with Josh that they gave him an unlimited credit card which was immediately identified in the hacking of our site.”

Biderman breathlessly continued: “Since then, all of our new subscribers learned from Josh Duggar’s idiotic blunders and have signed up with ‘prepaid virtual Visa Cards’ that don’t require any identifying information. We’ve even began supplying our own virtual credit cards, thanks to Josh Duggar’s stupid gaffe. We’ve already made a bundle in add-on fees with these pre-paid cards.”

According to Ashley Madison’s marketing director, subscriptions have increased six-hundredfold due to Josh Duggar’s admission. “Our increased revenue can easily pay for any and all lawsuits that have been levied by the hacking of our site. It’s really ironic, but thanks to Josh Duggar, marriage infidelity will increase unabated and remain profitable for years to come.”

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