Monday, December 22, 2008

Away in a Manger

Miss Healthypants asked me to re-run my Christmas scene.
Here you go.

December 1969:
I was a bearded Joseph at my church's nativity play and my friend, Beth, got to be Mary.

All we had to do was to walk out, stand there, and gaze at the baby Jesus which consisted of a doll in a cradle festooned with hay. Beth was to kneel beside the cradle and I was to stand beside her with my hand on her shoulder while the shepherds and wise men did their thing.

That's it!

However, some pranksters (i.e. my younger brother and his friends) had crossed the eyes on the doll just before the play began.

Beth and I ended up having to gaze at this psychotic-looking doll the entire time. Needless to say, we turned into a couple of out-of-control nine year olds by the time the narrator read, "and wrapped him in swaddling clothes."

That got me to thinking about the manger scenes that are displayed every year, especially the original one on December 25, 0000.

Everyone is always displayed gazing upon the baby Jesus with these looks of adoration, but I've often thought, "Just how long did they have to do this?"

Our nativity play took about 15 minutes, tops, yet it seemed like forever. So, how long did everyone really stand there gazing at the baby? An hour? Two? Until sunrise?

And who decided how long they had to do this? Did they get bathroom breaks? Did they take a break when Mary had to change his swaddling clothes?

I can just imagine how it went:

Shepherd #1: (pokes Shepherd #2) Psssst! Say, how long are we supposed to stand here and look at this kid?

Shepherd #2: Beats me. Maybe that guy with the myrrh knows something.

Shepherd #1: What the hell is myrrh, anyway?

Angels: (in three-part harmony) Aaaahhhhhh! Aaaaahhhhh!

Mary: If Joseph suggests this 'natural child-birth' thing next time, he's gonna end up with that staff around his neck. God! I wish I'd gone with the epidural. . . .

(Donkey suddenly pees all over the straw)

Shepherd #3: Hey. Did you guys remember to shut the gate on the flocks we were watching by night?

Shepherd #1: I told Shepherd #2 to get it on the way out. We're good.

Angels: Aaaahhhhhh! Aaaaahhhhh!

Mary: Joseph. . . . Hey! Joseph (snaps fingers) Did you remember to pick up some disposable swaddling clothes like I had asked you?

Wise Man #2: The kid's still crying. I don't think he likes frankincense

Wise Man #3: He didn't seem to care for the myrrh either. He seems more interested in the box it came in.

Wise Man #1: (looking up in the sky) Where'd that star go? Hey. You guy's know the way back?

Wise Man #2: Beats me. I'm terrible with directions.

Mary: (sigh) It's west, you fool! . . . . Dammit! Would somebody tell that little boy to knock it off with the drumming?

Shepherd #1: Seriously guys. Just how long are we supposed to hang around? I'm hungry!

Angels: Aaaahhhhhh! Aaaaahhhhh! (cough! cough!) Did anyone bring any Sucrets?

Mary: God, get me outta here . . .

. . . Joseph! Please tell me you remembered to call the day-care back in Nazareth!

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At 10:28 PM , Blogger QuotidianEditorialist said...

Ok, so what? Now you are purposely trying to kill me? ROFLMAO

That is undoubtedly the funniest thing I have ever read. You need to write a book and I will totally be your agent.

In the meantime, please warn me next time. Joseph needs to pass the disposable swaddling clothes. Tis the season after all.

Cheers to Miss Healthypants for asking you to reproduce this. :^)

At 11:43 PM , Blogger Miss Healthypants said...

Yay! Thanks, dooder! Lots of LOL's here! *smiles*

At 1:31 AM , Blogger Lorraine said...

While you get serious snaps for some gigantic laughs, I am here to tell you, a person can gaze adoringly at a baby for a remarkably long time.

Then they turn into teenagers and you are sooooo over it.


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