Saturday, April 29, 2006

Pope Benedict XVI Approves Measure to Increase Vocations to the Priesthood

VATICAN CITY—Responding to the need for priestly vocations, Pope Benedict XVI ordered Vatican officials to sponsor the first annual Running of the Altar Boys in hopes of attracting new members to its all-male clergy.

“There was mounting pressure from liberal-minded Catholics to allow married men and even women into the priesthood,” decried a Vatican spokesman, Fr. Antonio Carrozini. “In order to thwart those proposals, we knew we had to quickly replenish the dwindling numbers of men among our clergy.”

Fr. Carrozini reported that the pontiff thought of the idea after watching the popular Running of the Bulls festival in Pamplona, Spain, where bulls chase participants down a narrow village street. “It began as a means of provoking the bulls to the market where they would be slaughtered,” he said. “The Blessed Father, in all his divine wisdom, decided to adopt it as a means of attracting vocations to the priestly life.”

In the proposed Papal version, seminarians from around the world would have the opportunity to chase hoards of altar boys down the newly named Via Pueris (Way of the Boy), a narrow, kilometer-long street bordering Vatican City. Any seminarian enrolled during the 2005-2006 church year would be eligible to participate in the rough-and-tumble event to be held in December. The theme for this year’s event will be Effercio Rectorum Nostra (Fill up our rectories).

As expected, enrollment in seminaries has dramatically increased tenfold since the event was announced.

“The results have been astounding,” said Carrozini. “But procurement of altar-boys willing to participate proved to be more challenging.”

As usual, Vatican officials turned to members of Opus Dei, a lay organization known for their radically conservative agenda and staunch support of the Vatican.

“We were thrilled when the Vatican contacted us to supply altar-boys!” responded Opus Dei president, David Knox. “This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to support the Holy Father and for our sons to interact with his fine clerics. I enrolled my boys, Michael and Brendan, right away.”

Knox thought for a moment and added, “I only wish I’d had this opportunity when I was their age.”

Vatican guidelines state that prospective altar boys between the ages of eight and twelve-and-a-half are to attend a two week training camp staffed by a Roman Catholic branch of Promise Keepers. During the two week stay, the boys are groomed for the chase by participating in various running, tumbling and wrestling events.

“I was really concerned that the Roman Catholic priesthood might become a thing of the past,” said Fr. William McNeary, vocation director for the Washington Theological Union. “Thanks to this event and the insight of our Blessed Father, the Church as we’ve come to know it will remain steadfast and unchanged. Why, it makes me want to be a seminarian again!”

Saturday, April 15, 2006

South Park Writers Escape Wrath of Evangelicals

ANAHEIM, CA— Banned from depicting a caricature of the Prophet Mohammed, writers for Comedy Central’s South Park opted instead to offend America’s Christian population by depicting Jesus Christ defecating on President Bush and the American flag in last week’s episode.

“In light of recent world events, we feel we made the right decision,” reported a Comedy Central spokesperson.

“We wanted to test several plot line options on a typical conservative Christian audience,” reported South Park writer, Trey Parker. “Fortunately, the good people of Longview, Texas agreed to view several plot lines during their annual Hush Puppy Festival.”

“It was amazing,” interjected Matt Stone. “You couldn’t have asked for a more typical example of evangelical right-wing Christians than this.”

The festival participants sat quietly munching their hush puppies while they viewed scenes such as Mrs. Hankey having a partial-birth abortion, Kenny exploding from a high colonic gone awry, and the Vatican sponsoring the first annual Running of the Altar Boys.

“Nothing seemed to faze them—even when we showed the episode of Jesus defecating on Bush and the American flag,” Parker reported. “Sure, they thought it was pretty blasphemous—they took up a collection to save our souls—but they agreed that it was an exercise in free speech and protected by the American constitution.”

“They sure love the constitution down there,” said Stone. “Especially the right to bear arms.”

“We went too far, though” said Stone. “Just take a look at what happened when they saw our last option.”

The video displayed the participants viewing a trailer depicting Saddam Hussein defecating on a caricature of NASCAR legend, Dale Earnhardt. Suddenly, the crowd erupted into angry, blood-curdling screams.

"No dignity to a nation where Dale is blasphemed!" cried out one woman as she hurled a Tupperware bowl of nine-bean "trash" salad at the screen. "That's what comes after insulting our sacred values!" she continued.

The melee escalated throughout the night as dozens of mobile homes were overturned and set ablaze.

“I lost my business that’d been in the family for forty years!” cried Earline Spencer, owner of Earline’s Day Care & Firearm Repair Center. “But we’re alive and we can thank the good lord for that.”

Over thirty small children were being treated for injuries sustained from being struck by missile-like hush puppies. “When we saw Dale being insulted like that, all hell broke loose,” reported an anonymous participant. “The little ones got caught in the crossfire and didn’t stand a chance.”

The following morning while the local mayor applied for federal disaster relief, a spokesperson for Earnhardt's fan club promised that the rioting would surely spread throughout the South unless Parker and Stone agreed to nix the Earnhardt depiction and air the Jesus-defecating-on-Bush episode instead.

“We sure learned our lesson on that one,” stated Parker. “You can blaspheme their ‘Lord and Savior’ all you want, but you damn sure better not mess with the memories of NASCAR heroes. That’s holy ground.”

Parker and Stone are reportedly writing a South Park version of Brokeback Mountain starring football legends, Troy Aikman and Brett Favre.

Friday, April 07, 2006

Mother Teresa Elevated to Sainthood Due to Paris Hilton

HOLLYWOOD—In a move that has shocked Hollywood insiders, Indian film director T. Rajeevnath, says Paris Hilton is on his short list to play Mother Teresa in a biopic he's planning about the Nobel Peace Prize winner who worked among Calcutta's poor with the Missionaries of Charity.

"Hilton's features resemble Mother Teresa's," Rajeevnath – whose films include Janani (Mother), an award-winner in India about nuns caring for an abandoned infant – told Agence France-Presse yesterday. "A meeting with Paris Hilton is scheduled for the end of April," he said.

Mother Teresa­, who died in 1997, has since been beatified by Pope John Paul II and is up for sainthood once two miracles attributed to the nun’s intercession are documented.

Immediately after the director’s intent to have Hilton play the role of Mother Teresa was made known, the blessed nun’s opinions were made all too apparent.

Ms. Hilton woke yesterday and suddenly began screaming uncontrollably, frightening the household staff. Apparently, her beloved Chihuahua, Tinkerbelle, had been horribly disfigured into a cycloptic canine.

“It’s just horrible!” said one of the maids. “That poor dog can’t even figure out how to go poo with just one eye.”

The wrath of the blessed nun continued unabated. Later that day, the actress was afflicted with a particularly virulent type of yeast infection.

“Man, that girl smells!” reported comedian, Margaret Cho. “It reminds me of when my Korean mother used to ferment cabbage to make kim-chee. Frankly, I can’t stand the stuff.”

Her gynecologist later furnished his professional evaluation:

“Ms. Hilton’s hoo-hoo won’t be in commission for at least eighteen months. There’s even a chance that she may never regain the use of it again. It will all depend on the regimen of physical therapy, medication and her own ability to keep it out of circulation during the treatment process.”

Upon attempting to pay for her medical visit, Ms. Hilton was horrified to learn that all her credit cards were invalid.

“She just crumbled to the floor and began whimpering,” reported the receptionist, Carla Iwanski. “That one-eyed dog is still around here somewhere, too.”

Upon learning of Mother Teresa’s interventions, Pope Benedict XVI immediately elevated the blessed nun to sainthood.

“These actions are clearly the evidence of miraculous works from our beloved Teresa.”

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Hollywood Actors Vie for Role in Ang Lee Film

HOLLYWOOD - Tom Cruise, Ben Affleck, Clay Aiken, and other stars were bested by Smallville's Tom Welling for the chance of playing Brad Pitt's love interest in Oscar-winning director Ang Lee's new film, David and Jonathan. The biblical epic, which relies solely on texts from the Old Testament books of Samuel, chronicles David and Jonathan's story of passionate love, intrigue, and deception.

According to Mr. Lee, he came up with the idea for David and Jonathan when a theologian friend of his mentioned there was a male love story in the bible."

"At first I didn’t believe it, but there it was—the story of David and Jonathan. Everything I needed for the screenplay was right there in the books of Samuel. By utilizing the biblical texts, we saved a bundle on writers' salaries and avoided ego problems."

When Mr. Lee read the description of David as "a handsome, ruddy youth," he thought immediately of Brad Pitt. Fortunately, Mr. Pitt was searching for a role like this to expand his repertoire, and he could still fit into the costume he wore in Troy.

The chorus of "pick me, pick me" began when Mr. Lee announced an open casting call for the part of Jonathan.

Singer Clay Aiken was so desperate to land the role that he created a disturbance on a Southwest Airlines flight bound for Chattanooga, Tennessee.

"He wouldn’t put down his cell phone when I asked him to," reported flight attendant Juli Harris. "He had this really crazed look in his eyes and kept saying he had to reach his agent."

Mr. Aiken was restrained by an on-board air marshal, and the pilot made an emergancy landing in Knoxville, where Mr. Aiken was arrested for bitch slapping Ms. Harris repeatedly. As a result of Mr. Aiken's arrest, his performance at a Piggly Wiggly opening in Chattanooga was canceled.

When asked about the possibility of Mr. Aiken playing the role of Jonathan, Mr. Lee cited the 18th chapter of 1st Samuel where Jonathan strips nude in front of David and hands him his clothes. "I just don’t think the public is ready to see Mr. Aiken that way."

Mr. Lee heard from Tom Cruise' people the minute the casting call announcement had been made.

"I questioned whether Mr. Cruise would be willing to play this role because Scientology describes same-sex love as 'a most vicious reversal of the second dynamic,'" said Mr. Lee. "Apparently, Mr. Cruise had gotten permission from Katie Holmes to play the role, as long as he remained silent during the love scenes.”

Lee also revealed that he had been contacted by Ben Affleck about playing the role of Jonathan, "but only if Matt Damon could be David."

Mr. Affleck contacted Mr. Lee after learning that the screen test would involve a scene in which David and Jonathan fall on the ground, kiss, weep, and make a covenant with each other as depicted in the 20th chapter of 1st Samuel.

"I told him the part of David had already gone to Brad Pitt," said Mr. Lee. "Besides, people are tired of seeing Ben and Matt together."

Mr. Lee admitted that Tom Cruise had been the leading contender for the role of Jonathan until Smallville star, Tom Welling, auditioned for the part.

"He waltzed right up to Brad and just nailed it. He really blew Cruise right out of the water."

Mr. Lee says he is prepared for any backlash from the Christian right-wing community.

"I can understand their getting upset over a gay depiction of the American cowboy, but if they have a hard time with the theme of David and Jonathan, I'll just have to suggest that they don't mess with the literal meaning of the scriptures."