Saturday, November 12, 2005

Proposition 2 Protects Gay Texans

Texans recently voted on proposition 2 and overwhelmingly passed a constitutional amendment protecting its gay citizens from the likes of heterosexual marriage.
According to the U.S. Census Bureau, divorce rates among Texan heterosexuals were nearly twice as high as those in Massachusetts in 2004. (4.1 vs 2.4 per 1,000 respectively) This places Texas with the ninth highest divorce rate in the U.S; 51 percent higher than the national average. With most of its heterosexual marriages ending in divorce, Texans felt compelled to protect its gay citizens from the high odds of having to endure such painful and degrading outcomes.

Quebelle Bruchmiller, a wedding consultant in Plano, Texas, is relieved with the new amendment. "I've been in this business for 27 years and, let me tell you, Texan weddings are getting tackier by the minute." She sites an outdoor wedding in East Texas where a recording of Dueling Banjos was played for the wedding march, the groom wore a Git-R-Done T-shirt, and the best man kept pumping a pony-keg during the nuptuals. "The mother of the bride weighed four-hundred pounds and, I swear, you could see the outline of her thong through that dress. It really makes you wonder if there is a god. And, oh, don't get me started on these couples that write their own vows! If I hear one more quote from Kalil Gibran or the Desiderata, I'm just going to urp."
Bruchmiller smiles and her tone suddenly brightens.
"At least part of our society won't be tempted to follow this disgusting trend now!"

She then winces and continues:
"Let's face it. No one enjoys going to weddings except the bride. Then these narcissistic little daddy's girls decide that their wedding is an honor-yourself-beauty-pageant, end up putting both families into debt and getting divorced within a year. At least gay Texans won't be in danger of incurring such god-awful resentment from their families. Bless their hearts!"

Helen Heimlich, a long-time organist at Fairview Baptist Church in Abeline TX, responds:
"I've played for hundreds of weddings and you just wouldn't believe the crap these people want me to play!" She remembers one particular bride who insisted that Gretchen Wilson's Redneck Woman be played while the mothers were being seated. "Now that Proposition 2 has been ratified, five-to-eight percent of our congregation won't be making requests like that. It'll make this place a little more dignified and make my job that much less embarassing."
She sighs and pensively gazes out the window.
"I just wish more of our congregation were gay."

Rev. John "Booger" Robinson agrees:
Back in the 1950's, weddings were really dignified. Now you never know what to expect. Last week the ring-bearer and flower-girl were the couple's own children. And the bride wore white! Most of the time the groom is so hungover he has no idea what's going on. You bet, I voted to keep the sanctity of marriage in Texas! I'm really glad the gay members of Fairview Baptist won't be tempted to follow the immoral examples that others have been displaying. "

Members of Texas' LGBT community have responded with similar enthusiasm. Janet Smith, president of the Texan Lesbian and Gay Task Force was relieved when Proposition 2 passed:
"I was really worried there for a while that marriage might become legal for us in Texas. I mean, haven't my people suffered enough?"


At 6:41 PM , Blogger Iwanski said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 6:43 PM , Blogger Iwanski said...

I don't wanna bash Texas any more than I already have, but this amendment was WRITTEN WRONG!!!!

The way it is written, it actually outlaws ALL MARRIAGE. I am not kidding. Check it out.

Seriously, here is the text of the amendment:

SECTION 1. Article I, Texas Constitution, is amended by adding Section 32 to read as follows: Sec. 32. (a) Marriage in this state shall consist only of the union of one man and one woman.
(b) This state or a political subdivision of this state may not create or recognize any legal status identical or similar to marriage.

At 6:48 PM , Blogger Unknown said...

Hee hee! Great post, I loved it. And where did you find those utterly appropriate photos?

At 1:29 AM , Blogger Rick said...

Great satire - I've linked to it. Thanks for the chuckle!

At 3:01 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thanks to the upstanding morals of the people of the State of Texas for having the courage to do what is right. Now, ouldn't Pat Robertson congratulate them and proclaim that as a result, no more natural disasters will ever occur in this God-fearing state?

Nice job, btw. This piece belongs in THE ONION!



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