Saturday, November 05, 2005

Closet Cases

Here is a listing of "closeted" TV characters from television from the 60's and 70's. Mind you, these are characters, not actors.

Howard Sprague, The Andy Griffith Show. Howard was so sad. I never could figure out why the other fellas even put up with him. He was the county clerk in Mayberry, always wore suit that was wayyy too tight with a little bow tie, and lived with his prudish mother. Although there were brief forays into the dating scene and even one episode where he attempted to become engaged to Millie, Howard remained a confirmed bachelor. National "Coming Out" Day should have worked in reverse for Howard: All the people in Mayberry should have just told him, "Howard, we know."

Major Don West, Lost in Space. (As a kid, Lost in Space was my absolute, favoritest TV show of all time. I was just nuts about it).
Of course, the diabolical Dr. Zachary Smith was so obvious on the series that he doesn't even require mentioning. Every time some alien plant would budge, he'd shriek and go flitting off behind a rock. But Major Don was just wayyy too homophobic toward Dr. Smith which is always an indication of something hidden. And poor Judy Robinson, that gorgeous blonde vixen. All her attention was always on the handsome Don West but he never reciprocated; their relationship was always implied but never seemed to materialize. Hmmmm. And let's not forget Major Don's driving skills. Although he would heroically fly the Jupiter II, somehow he always managed to crash the damn thing. Yes, Don was one wound-up, frustrated puppy.

Mr. Mooney, The Lucy Show. Mr. Mooney made no bones about it. Whenever Lucy Carmichael would try to set him up with a nice female companion, he'd always emphatically remind her that he was a "confirmed bachelor." And how many times did we get to see him roll his eyes, place one hand on the side of his face and exclaim, "Ohhhh, Miss Carmichael." Good Lord.

Sgt. Schultz, Hogan's Heroes. Gosh, can you say, "Big Fat Queen?" Even as a little kid, I knew that Seargent Schultz just wasn't "quite right." And let's not even get into that Bob Crane thing . . . wow.

Ralph, Green Acres. Remember Ralph, the female handyman? It took a while for Oliver and Lisa to catch on that Ralph was female which should tell you something right there. When Ralph wasn't handy-manning, she was probably spending most of her time trying to inaugurate a women's softball team in nearby Pixley.

Miss Jane Hathaway, The Beverly Hillbillies. With that short hair, tweed suits, and no make-up, Miss Jane resembled a young Eleanor Roosevelt. As executive secretery at the Commerce Bank of Beverly Hills, she ran a tight ship, always keeping the other secreteries in line. Although she often feigned a crush on Jethro, we know it was just a ploy to get close to Ellie-Mae.

Alice, The Brady Bunch. As housekeeper for the Brady's, Alice kept Sam-the-butcher, as her cover. And Sam was one frustrated dude too! I never could see what he saw in Alice. She was "butcher" than the sides of beef in Sam's locker. Remember the episode where all the Brady's went camping? That was the only time we ever saw Alice in anything but her maid's uniform. And she wore flannel. "Oh, Alice!"


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