It's been a long while since I wrote a piece of satire, but darn-it! My frustration with Tim Tebow, the conservative Baptists, football, and marriage equality all got wrapped up into one.
Christian Quarterback Tim Tebow Denounced by Interracial
KY - Following the firestorm that erupted when the Gulnare Freewill
Baptist Church in rural Kentucky voted to ban mixed-race couples from joining their
congregation, numerous members of the National Association of Freewill Baptist
Churches have begun utilizing photographs of the notorious Christian
quarterback, Tim Tebow -- often seen in passionate, kissing embraces with
exclusively African-American partners – to spearhead their national campaign
against interracial marriage.
More than 40 years ago, the U.S. Supreme Court obstructed a
Virginia statute barring whites from marrying nonwhites, overturning bans in 15
other states. But while interracial marriages have soared since then, many
churches in the South remain largely segregated.
“Frankly, I have no problem with mixed marriages and we
welcome them in our congregation,” reported Freewill Baptist Executive
Secretary, Ryan Burden. “But when a handsome, muscular, strapping Christian quarterback such
as Tim Tebow who is such a fine spokesman for Christianity and purity is seen
time and time again kissing only blacks, well, that gives a confusing message
to our young people.”
Burden paused to collect his thoughts. “I mean, what are our
Christian athletes supposed to think when Tebow kisses Demaryius Thomas so hard and with such passion? He's never seen kissin' any white ball players at all! It’s only
going to lead to more mixing of the races!”
To date, the notoriously Christian quarterback, who
proclaims he will remain a virgin until marriage, has only been seen kissing
African-American team members, holding them in firm, musclebound embraces, then praying on
the sidelines. Although Tebow is often photographed in infamous sideline
prayer-stance on one knee, he has yet to be spotted in a romantic embrace with any same-race companions.
Heather Kelly, head cheerleader for the University of Florida
Gators, had met Tebow on numerous occasions during his tenure with the
championship team. “I practically, like, threw myself at him every chance I
got, but he was, like, never interested and I, like, kept asking myself, ‘Why?’
Was he, like, not attracted to me? After I saw him, like, only hugging and kissing African
American Gators, I, like, knew.”
Fellowship of Christian Athletes and Veteran NFL coach, Les
Steckel, was equally perplexed with Tebow’s obvious choice of partners and read
from a printed statement: “Tim Tebow has been a fine, upstanding symbol of Christian
conservatism to which our young athletes aspire. While we have no problem with
racial equality, his obvious proclivity toward partners of the opposite race
presents a sudden level of multiculturalism that we, the Fellowship of Christian
Athletes, have yet the opportunity to embrace.”
Across the South, anti-miscegenation
demonstrations continue to spread. Although such movements have been sporadic
and miniscule since the 1960s, fundamentalist Christian organizations such as
the Freewill Baptists have re-ignited the cause largely due to Tebow’s choice
of public displays of affection with exclusively African-American partners on his own team.
The movement, along
with Tebow’s romantic interests, shows no signs of abating.
© 2011 J. Buckner Wheat
Labels: equal rights, Fellowship of Christian Athletes, Gay, Gay marriage, Gulnare Freewill Baptist Church, interracial marriage, Kentucky, miscegenation, National Association o Demaryius Thomas, Tim Tebow